: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
