the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize