Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
