i need an iv and a liver transplant
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
