I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
