Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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