I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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