yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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