your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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