I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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