tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
