I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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