i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
