i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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