he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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