remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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