3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
only you would photoshop your dick
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
