I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
