Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
