I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
wanna go halves on a baby?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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