It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Life is so much better after having sex.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
