i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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