eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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