Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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