What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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