a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize