I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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