sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize