i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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