so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
