She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
