Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We are two peas in an std pod
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
