Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
