Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
