can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
