eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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