apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
