There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
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