just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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