I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
