Sponge bath it is.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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