Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
