How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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