Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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