Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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