just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Come see our sink grown plant.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
