My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
