If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
