you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
