the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
