She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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