Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
