Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
