i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
