i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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