Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I had to cum in my sink.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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