So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Your cock deserves a montage
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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