Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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